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Lauren Fucking Rochelle [Bitch]
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[08 Jan 2008|02:22pm] |
So I guess this is going to be the hardest desicion of my life, follow my heart or go with my head.
why does it seem like my heart is so set on wanting Dean, im with Jorge, shouldnt i be happy?
im happy, i guess, but what if thats not enough anymore? i dont even know. i think the hardest thing about this is knowing what i want but not being able to make it possible, he’s so far away, wtf was i thinking starting to like a guy that lives in another fucking state, sure at the time i was thinking i was going to be in Az all the time visiting my sister and thought that maybe i would be able to go and see him too but idk.
it just sucks now knowing that i want dean more than i have ever wanted anything else and i cant have him.
so on to a more positive note, i guess.
so an update on my current life; Disneyland Friday =], i cant wait to spend the day with my babay Lon & Gibby. california screaming a million times anyone? too bad it wont be raining =[, hahaha. these are the days im always going to remember, unfourtunatly i wont be able to do things like this anymore once i start ivy, school everyday, ugh not something im looking forward to, GAY. oh well, its not like school right now is too great, chillen on my laptop pretending to be doing work, while really editing pictures, texting, listening to my gangster music (hahaha) and people watching. oh well, it sucks a little bit cos there are some people here i could have really seen myself becoming friends with. oh well ill be happy to be at ivy, ill get out at 12 and be able to do whatever, so that will be pretty sweeeeeet. my grandpas home from the hospital =], that makes me really happy, he looks good, he has lost A LOT of weight but he is doing a lot better, my dads doing great =] and he is back to normal dad spoiling me for no reason at all. i have decided i need a job, yes thats right slacker Lauren has decided she wants a job, not too sure what of where yet, but any suggestions would be sweeeet, i also need to get my permit, then do drivers training (so my insurance isnt expensive) then get my liscence and my truck =], life will be good once thats taken care of, which im working on now, wooo =].
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| save by the rocket summer<3 |
[13 Dec 2007|11:58pm] |
I'm not feeling touch,
I'm not making that much,
And I guess I am blessed,
But sometimes its just hard to see it,
or such.
I'm stuck here alone in the traffic lines,
While couples in love in the H-O-V fly by,
I don't get it,
I'm not asking for much,
But everybody wants to just have.. something.
So I'll be picking me up,
Breaking me down,
I was lost, was i found?
I wanna feel everything.
When everything feels wrong with me.
Take a look,
Embrace myself.
Everybody wantes to make it count.
Save me,
Cause I can never float.
Sinking..
Amaze me,
And I would be there holding on for life.
Sit in there,
And gasp it in.
Time to strap apartment.
The walls are blank.
Its like they're talking to me.
I put a picture on the wall.
I took a chance, I took a fall.
She took it fast and gracefully.
I was blind and now I see.
So I'll be picking me up,
Breaking me down,
I was lost, was i found?
I wanna feel everything.
But everything feels wrong.
Take a look,
Embrace myself.
Everybody wantes to make it count.
Save me,
Cause I can never float.
Sinking..
Amaze me,
And I would be there holding on for life.
And I could tell,
From the picture I could feel,
I was sinking,
Throw me out,
Bring me back to life.
The colours,
That my eyes had never seen.
Well I can see it now.
Save me,
Cause I can never float.
Sinking..
Amaze me,
And I would be there holding on for life.
Save me,
Cause I can never float.
Sinking..
Amaze me,
And I would be there holding on for life.
So save.. me.
Save-ave.
Save.. me.
Save me.
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| mmmm. |
[13 Dec 2007|11:27pm] |
i love how people claim they care so much and then just fucking drop out of your life without notice.
im sick of having to try so hard to get you to talk to me or even act like you care
like seriously, you say all this shit about how much i matter to you and how much you love being around me, well you really have this fucking shitty way of showing it. the only reason you ever even text me or talk to me is because i still try to fucking have a friendship/relationship/wtf ever we have going on. well im done attempting to keep you a part of my life anymore. if you care about me as much as you do you'll fucking make an attempt.
i feel like just dropping off the face of the earth for a while just to see if anyone actually really gives a fuck anymore.
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| fuck me. |
[09 Dec 2007|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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fuck. i dont even know how to describe how i feel right now.
its a mix between hurt, sad, and just really pissed.
its because of a boy of course
i feel like i dont really matter i mean, it was my fucking birthday party
you had an opportunity. why didnt you take it?
i hate that it matters so much to me.
i had so much fun last night but of course that tiny detail was in the back of my head.
fuck this shit. im really sick of caring.
i mean shit i have stopped caring about how i look around everyone constantly.
why do i have to care so much about this?
oh wait i know why.
because im fucking hopeless and pathetic.
im rediculous and i hate myself for caring about someone that doesnt seem to care as much anymore.
kill me now.
thanks.
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| my playlist |
[20 Nov 2007|04:06pm] |
Lauren’s Current Playlist. <3
Category: Music
for many various reasons these songs are my favorites right now. yes theres quite a few, but in some way they all describe me/how i feel.
tattoo by jordin sparks
one sweet love by sara bareilles
hold on by the jonas brothers
i still remember by bloc party
car crash by matthew nathanson
our time now by the plain white t's
masterpiece by meg and dia
momentum by the hush sound
wine red by the hush sound
Skyway avenue by we the kings
life after you by brie larson
paralyze by tila tequila
battle by colbie calliat
a wish by gregory and the hawk
thats what you get by paramore
i wont make you by something corporate
ex girlfriend by no doubt
never again by kelly clarkson
Did you hear about us by lalaine<3
i wont disagree by kate voegele
to all the crowded rooms by senses fail
choke on this by senses fail
tell mary by meg and dia
even angels fall by jessica riddle
on peak hill by stars
your ex-lover is dead by stars
not a pretty girl by ani difranco
boats and birds by gregory and the hawk
hear me out by silverstein
after the fall by metro station
shake it by metro station
stuck on things by Radio Racer
dancing by elisa
goodbyes by jamisonparker
come in with the rain by taylor swift
teardrops on my gutair by taylor swift
i'd lie by taylor swift
sweetest girl by wycleaf jean
headstrong by ashley tisdale
cue the sun by daphne loves derby
six feet under the stars by all time low
hammers and hearts by daphne loves derby
words by between the trees
lose it by cartel
wasted remix by cartel feat. wycleaf jean
nolita fairytale by vanessa carlton
got a little crazy by kenny chesney
do you feel by the rocket summer
fourth drink instinct by cute is what we aim for
my beautiful rescue by this providence
we live by superchick
promise by matchbook romance
portions for foxes by riley kilo
regrets and romance by from first to last
these lights by the forecast
patrick by june
we've made you concious by theaudition
so heres to the music that suits me.<3
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[19 Nov 2007|01:19pm] |
i always seem to get myself into the most interesting situations.
saturday night was amazing but i hope that now hes not going to start acting weird around me
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| truth time. |
[14 Nov 2007|09:50pm] |
i miss the little things =[
i guess i miss the simple texts or phone calls that said i was worth something
i actually think i just miss feeling like i was worth something
i need to stop thinking about shit
its making me sick to my stomach
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[14 Nov 2007|09:36pm] |
ive decided i need some new friends.
basicly
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| my autobiographical event assignment. |
[14 Nov 2007|03:59pm] |
“How did I get myself into this situation?” thats the only thing that ran through my mind the first 20 minutes of that drive home. Just 9 months before I had met this amazing boy out in the desert and things had been amazing ever since then, that is until we broke up, and for some strange reason we decided to stay friends. Now it was 2 weeks before he was scheduled to leave for Santa Barbara for college and he was picking me up from class to talk. Those words scared me more than anything, what did we have to talk about? How he hurt me and how he was leaving me?
“So Lauren, um how are you?” Shawn asked me, I wanted to scream at him with everything in me that I was horrible that he had hurt me, he had broken all his promises.
“I’m okay, nothings really exciting in my life” at least not since you dumped me, I thought it but didn’t dare say it aloud.
“Well I’m sure you are wondering why I wanted to pick you up,” he paused and let out a huge sigh, “Lauren I love you.” as he spoke those words my heart jumped and suddenly I thought maybe this is why we needed to talk, Shawn’s going to get back with me! “I love you and care about you, but I’m not in love with you, and well I guess I just didn’t want to leave for school with you thinking we still had a chance” My heart broke, no scratch that, my heart had been shattered to tiny pieces and he was stomping on what was left of it.
“Oh, well You’re going to be in school and I didn't really expect you to want a girlfriend during that” I choked out, trying my best to hide the fact that at any moment I was going to breakdown.
“Actually Lauren, thats the thing, I wanted to tell you before anyone else told you but I met someone two weeks after we broke up and we have been dating for a month or so,” This was that moment, I was suddenly so thankful to whoever had invented sunglasses because at that moment they were the only thing stopping Shawn from realizing that I was now crying. “I took her to the river with me this weekend and she met Tiffany and everyone. I really didn’t know how to tell you about her.”
The only thing I heard in that sentence was my sister’s name, he introduced his new girlfriend to my sister?! How could this be happening, my world was suddenly spinning, “Wow, thats great Shawn I’m happy for you I really am, What’s her name?” I tried my hardest to pretend to be okay with the fact that my entire world had just been destroyed.
He laughed, his adorable laugh “See this is what I love about you Lauren, you’re so understanding,” I wanted to punch him, I really did how could he really think that after 7 months together I was okay with him finding a new girlfriend two weeks later, “Her name is Liz and she’s so great Lauren I really like her.” He was happy, truly happy and more than anything thats what killed me. As we pulled into my driveway I looked over and Shawn and I knew I would always care about him more than any other boy I had ever met, Shawn Clarke was my first love, he would have a part of my heart forever.
“Shawn, I’m happy for you and I still want to be friends, You’re a great guy and I don’t want to lose you in my life.” He smiled and I felt like I was going to die, that gorgeous smile had always been my favorite but now it made me feel so empty.
“Lauren of course! You’re great you really are, and I love you and will always be here for you if you need me. I’ll call you later okay.”
I smiled a small fake little smile “Yeah, thanks Shawn for everything, I love you too, Bye.” Shawn drove away and I just stood in my driveway crying knowing that boy would only be my friend and nothing more, and knowing that when I said I loved him I meant it with everything in me and I always would.
Four months later I now know that day and everyday I spent with Shawn changed me. I was right I would never stop loving Shawn and he’s now one of my best friends and a very important part of my life and I’m so thankful for him.
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| love love love<3 |
[30 Oct 2007|02:48pm] |
If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by
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| my new motto |
[30 Oct 2007|01:05pm] |
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So Heres To Cheating Boys, Dirty Sluts, Best Friends, Long Nights, Lessons Learned, & Never Losing My Morals Or Who I Am. Heres To Growing Up & Realizing The Beauty In Life. HERES TO LIVING <3
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| I was just walking one fine wire. |
[30 Oct 2007|12:40pm] |
"Excite me. Dazzle me. Delight me.
Bring me to my knees; tell me there is no
other girl in the world
quite like me."
so i was on the phone with shawn last night after he found out about devin cheating on me and he was being so sweet
telling me how sorry he was and how he was going to come see me soon
then when we said bye he said love you
ummmmm WHAT?
basically it brought back old emotions.'
but of course i instantly stopped those thoughts.
your first love reallynever leaves and its a lot harder to let him be a part of my life as just friends
then i thought it would be
but like i said when we broke up
id rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all
he was such a huge part of my life i cant just cut him out
so basically
im happy
i have great friends and right now thats all i need
that and some party time =]
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[23 Oct 2007|11:25am] |
ive never been so scared in my life
no one can get a hold of my brother
=[
swear to god if anything happens to him ill die
so far i think my house is safe
i still have an answering machine which is the best sign
im not liking being in oceanside at chelseas condo
i want to be with my family
i have my mom and dad but i want my brother
i need to know hes okay.
i hope everyone else is safe
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[16 Oct 2007|05:29pm] |
i want this to be how it used to be
back before you seemed to be ignoring me
just live your life a little for me.
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[13 Oct 2007|06:02pm] |
i just dont understand boys.
its official.
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| river =] |
[03 Sep 2007|04:19pm] |
just got home from the river in yuma
sooooooooo much fun
met so many cute boys
corey and cj
david and cody
=]
so much fun
late late late nights
and early mornings
bruises i cant explain
and lots of things i dont remember
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[03 Aug 2007|03:05pm] |
i dont understand how it can still hurt this bad.
i miss him soooo much. but i still hate him for doing this to me.
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[30 Jul 2007|05:23pm] |
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nothing has ever hurt this bad.
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| wtf |
[17 Jul 2007|10:52pm] |
im not sure whats going on right now.
i mean shawns just confusing the fuck out of me hes acting so weird
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| update. |
[24 Jun 2007|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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things are going great. Shawn and me are UHMAZING. he told me that he wants to marry me. and he's serious about it. the funny thing is after he said it the first time i started thinking about it and then i went home and me and alana watched engaged and underage and i totally could picture me and shawn on that show. its not going to happen i mean i dont want to get married for a while. but when i think about getting married and having kids i want it to be with shawn. hes perfect and he makes me so happy. i mean yeah he cheated on me. but we are beyond that. we talked about it last night and i know its not going to happen again. he wants me to move to santa barbara with him once i graduate. and im actually thinking about it. but i would be so far away from everyone. so idk. who knows all i know is i want to be with shawn for a very long time. im happy. and nothings going to change that. so many people are mad that i forgave him. and my brothers are counting down the days until i call them crying but i believe in us. i havve the best feeling about us this time around. im so happy and i dont want it to ever end.
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